Anger Management

First of all I am a certified Anderson and Anderson Anger Management Consultant. That means that I am approved for court ordered anger management. I am available for Executive Coaching as well.

However, I find those techniques common denominator type of contacts. They are the very basic of skills and they are taught in a "class" not a "group." And I guess for what they are worth... they do a job. However, I believe they do not address the more personal spin on these techniques that are - I believe - more likely to help individuals get control of anger.

I often hear, "I can't control my anger." Maybe. Maybe not. If a 350 pound man with a gun and a badge got out of the car you just flipped off - my guess is most of us with huge anger problems would find new found strength and abilities. "I can't control my anger" an enabling belief. Is it easy to change?... absolutely not. It takes practice. Practice first in easier situations that need to be crafted to each individual. And then moved up the hierarchy to more and more difficult situations.

Generally, people get angry because they feel disrespected. Someone cuts you off and they have disrespected you. Your spouse didn't do as you asked - they disrespected you, etc. So what is at the basis is actually hurt feelings. Most of the men reading this may find focusing on hurt feelings far less palatable than embracing anger. So much so that it has become automatic. In truth the same can be said for women with anger issues as well.

Also at some level a person only gets angry at something that fits with their self-identity. If I say, "I don't like you - you're purple!" Most likely you would look and say, "that guy is nuts."

Now if I say, "I don't like you; you're (you fill in the blank - fat, tall, short, skinny Jewish, Latino, Black, etc., etc.) that will hurt your feelings (assuming you chose something that describes you) and that may lead to anger. It probably will if you are someone who felt a need to read this section.

Most angry spouses (who explode at their mates and may in fact hit the wall or worse their wives or husbands); would not want their own sons or daughters to marry someone like themselves. But if there is a child watching, absorbing and learning all this chaos going on in the house may indeed chose exactly that kind of mate Or they may turn away from that type entirely. However, the near god-like impression children have of their parents is usually imprinted and at some level they search for the same type and may spend a lifetime trying to "cure" them. No matter how righteous one might feel with regard to their anger with their spouses, they wouldn't wish someone like themselves on someone they love. That (or other) awareness(es) needs to be made for change to happen. It doesn't happen by learning to count to 10 before you explode.

The change that comes from that awareness takes time to implement.

Now I am no Buddha. I chose to study what I needed to learn. As I say in my groups "I started studying this because I was a well balanced guy...I had a chip on each shoulder." Fortunately, with years of focus I like to think that at least one chip has been removed. This is a long term commitment and it takes great practice.

There are other simple common denominator contacts that need to be pointed out. For instance, being hungry sets one up for angry outburst. The perpetrators of most domestic violence cases hadn't eaten for at least 4 hours.

Being tired leads to being cranky, being cranky leads to angry outbursts.

Exercise provides a buffer to angry outbursts.

Leaving home 20 minutes before an appointment that will take 30 minutes to drive to... that will set you up to be frenetic and angry.

There is more...much more, I look forward to discussing it with you.